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If you feel like your relationship isn’t healthy and there are signs of controlling behaviour that are intimidating, hurtful, scary, or isolating—you're right to check if it's coercive control.
See the patterns of coercive control
See the patterns of coercive control
Fear, humiliation, threats and isolation have no place in a healthy relationship.What's healthy and what's harmful
It’s important to know there’s no place for coercive control and abusive behaviours (physical or non-physical) in a healthy relationship.
If you notice a pattern of manipulation and abusive behaviours in your relationship, you might be experiencing coercive control. If you're worried or unsure, support is available.
Healthy relationships are when we give respect and receive respect back.
Respectful relationships are important for our safety, wellbeing and mental health. This may be relationships with your family, partner or ex-partner. Or the relationship could be with someone who is your carer and helps you with things like shopping or dressing. Your relationship might be casual, monogamous, dom/sub or something else. It doesn’t matter who it is with or what sort of relationship it is - every healthy relationship is based on respect.
What does respect look like?
To have respectful relationships you need to know what respectful behaviour looks like. Respect comes in many forms.
Healthy versus harmful relationships
| Healthy relationships | Harmful relationships |
|---|---|
| You feel safe and comfortable with the other person | You feel unsafe or worry anything you do or say could anger or upset them. You feel like you're 'walking on eggshells'. |
| You feel loved and supported | The other person limits your social life and isolates you from friends and family |
| You decide or have a say in where you go, who you have contact with, and how you spend your time. Sometimes you go out by yourself, sometimes you go out together (sometimes you decide this yourself, sometimes you decide this together) | They won’t let you go out without them or without their permission, or say they prefer you to stay home with them. They decide where you go, who you have contact with and how you spend your time. They never let you have a say or decide. |
| You can share your opinion without fear | 'Gaslighting'/making you question your own mind |
| You can be yourself and feel appreciated and valued | Your sense of self and confidence is broken down |
| They have your best interests at heart | You are constantly humiliated and criticised |
| You can be open and emotionally vulnerable | Your sanity, memory, and sense of reality are constantly questioned |
| You can make and contribute to decisions freely | You feel like your decisions are controlled or made by someone else |
What can I do if my relationship feels unhealthy or unsafe?
You deserve respect and to feel safe in your relationship. You are not to blame for the actions of the other person that make you feel unsafe, disrespected or fearful.
If you feel safe and ready to, you can talk things through with someone who can provide help and support.