Signs my relationship could be harmful

Coercive control is when someone uses a pattern of abusive behaviours over time to hurt, humiliate, isolate, frighten, or threaten you in order to control or dominate you and to get you to do what they want.

Coercive control is almost always a feature of DFV. It is harmful and often dangerous.

Technology based abuse is when someone uses technology like a mobile phone or computer to control you. This could include setting up your phone using their own details, so they have access to everything on your device without your permission or because they pressured you into it against your will. This could also include someone using an app like “Find My iPhone” to track your location or your children’s location in a harmful or controlling way.

Learn more about using technology safely.

Stalking and monitoring involves someone keeping track of where you are when you don’t want them to. This could include following you in their car or on foot, or asking other people to tell them where you are and what you are doing.

Systems abuse is when someone manipulates legal and administrative systems to control, threaten and harass you. This could include making multiple applications or complaints to intimidate or intentionally delay a court process, or using Centrelink to threaten, manipulate, interrupt or prolong a process. It can also include someone using the Family Law Court system to falsely discredit you as a parent.

Social isolation is when someone limits or restricts who you see or how often you see other people so they can control you. This could start in subtle ways, such as your partner constantly criticising your friends and family, so you are turned against them over time and become dependent on your partner alone.

Financial abuse is when someone controls how you earn, spend, or save money so they have power over you. It can subtly start by your partner telling you to leave money matters to them. This may erode your confidence with money over time, while your partner has convinced you that it’s in your best interest that they control all finances to fund their own lifestyle.

Read more about protecting yourself from economic or financial abuse.

Emotional abuse involves someone doing or saying harmful things to lower your self-esteem and confidence. This could include someone constantly criticising you, threatening suicide or self-harm, or convincing you that you are ‘crazy’ or a liar, so you start questioning your own judgement.

Find out how to get general medical or mental health support.

Verbal abuse is when someone uses words to intimidate and scare you. This could involve yelling, swearing and shouting.

Physical abuse is when someone hurts you by punching, slapping, kicking or choking you, so you struggle to breathe or holding their hands around your throat and threatening to strangle you. There can be delayed consequences of strangulation, so it’s important to seek medical attention from your GP or local hospital as soon as possible.

Further information on strangulation can be accessed via Strangulation Resource. Please note, some of the information and illustrations within this resource can be triggering. If you’re impacted by anything within this document, please contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

Animal abuse is when someone hurts or threatens to hurt your pets to control or intimidate you. This could involve threatening to hurt your pets to make you do something you don’t want to do or intentionally feeding your pet something toxic.

Sexual abuse can include forcing or coercing you to have sex or engage in sexual acts, unwanted exposure to pornography, deliberately causing pain during sex or using sexually degrading insults or humiliation during sex.

Reproductive control can include not letting you use contraception or forcing you to use contraception that you do not want to, tampering with your contraception without your knowledge, pressuring you to have a termination of pregnancy you don’t want, not allowing you to access a termination of pregnancy or pressuring you to start a family or have more children when you are not ready.

Cultural, religious and spiritual abuse can include forcing you to participate in religious activities, stopping you from taking part in your religious or cultural practices or misusing spiritual or religious beliefs and practices to justify abuse and violence.

Identity-based abuse is often specifically targeted at people from the LGBTIQIA+ communities and can include threatening to reveal your sexual orientation—outing you—to others without your consent, threatening to reveal your HIV status to others, reinforcing your feelings of confusion, shame or guilt about your sexuality to coerce you, using your concern that support services may be homophobic or transphobic to discourage you from seeking help, isolating you from your family, community, or LGBTIQIA+ spaces, or threatening to isolate you if the relationship ends.